It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
