The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
