hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
