my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
