yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
