That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
