He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
