WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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