remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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