there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
