I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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