A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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