i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
