and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
