he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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