No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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