I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They have beer where we have blood.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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