This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
