I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
