party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
