Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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