dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
