Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
