Plan B is the new Plan A
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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