you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
