You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
