you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
