Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
