my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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