It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
