"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
