You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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