Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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