3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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