I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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