If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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