no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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