My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
