I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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