I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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