Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
