when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We talked him into tasing himself.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
