god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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