Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
