The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My feet surprised me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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