Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
