After last night, I could never be a politician.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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