I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
