End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
