i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
