I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
